Seeking Sexy Dorothy On The Radio

Who am I ? I am just a man with an opinion. And in my opinion it took a whole lot of meth to write this non-sense. Oz, Scarecrow and Dorothy. I am still trying to recover from the that awfully shitty performance of “Home” by Ashanti aka The Black Fran Drescher! Beware of anybody with an email address of a prepubescent high school boy. Seriously, let the waffle house styfle file begin. Can someone tell me who among us recessionistas can work on a show for free? He’s a maniac..maniac for sure!! You can not pay a light bill with a promise.

Scream Queen’s VH1 Want’s You

I thought this was a joke at first, then I read it again. I haven’t seen an ad this bad since they announced Ellen Degeneres was going to be lucky #4 on A.I. next season, (how dreadful) man suits and shout outs to Portia all season! It’s Atlanta so expect the casting call to look like “amateur” drag night.  Sorry Atlanta but after watching the horrendous model casting calls of He-ree and Lisa Wu Sweat on the Brokedown Bitches of Buckhead I am giving any talent from the ATL the side-eye.  You want your 6.5 minutes of fame.  Here you go!

Cougar Seeking Any Man Over 6 Feet

The recession is real people. Apparently there is no shortage of crazy creative people on the Jersey Shore. One local cougar is ready to team up with a man of “any” race (crossing  color lines for $$$ *SMH )  for the new Jerry  Seinfeld reality show.  What she’s really looking for is a husband. I wonder how many young guys are going to try and hit it before auditions. Cause old brotha’s aren’t brave enough to email those kind of requests. Although, if she’s broke bold that means she’s competitive so go for it. You can count down the days til the competition gets that Final Destination treatment and you good sir are about to walk off with half a check. Of course surviving long enough for it to clear might be a problem too. A check is a check!

Casting For 2 Girls 1 Cup Part Deux

I know…. a long weekend…and I am slipping, but today’s post is so damn ridiculous all will be forgiven! Two Girls One Cup part 2! Excuse …me! Forget about swallowing the shit, how awkward the sex will look? All of that boo boo anticipation building up, those awkward stares in the camera like you’re posing with a relative you can’t stand. Ewww and they are recruiting in Jersey!

No doubt the two girls will look like most girls from jersey, dark hair & Disney caricature face. Aggressive, tall volleyball shaped girls that break beer bottles in bar fights and kiss each other in Facebook pictures. Ashlee Dupree we’re looking for you!! My favorite part of this ad is the “free lunch” perk you’ll get after you eat your cup of “human waste”. Nothing like a roast beef sandwich and Natty light to clear your palette after a full day of shooting the shit! P.S. Kids eating FECAL matter on camera in the U.S. is illegal .

Fat Boy’s Need a Server

Looking at the bed pan got you depressed? You ever feel so big you can’t get up to get your own food. Well never fear…this just in there is a service to help you. Fat Boy ‘s is looking for servers to take 8lbs of food at a time to customers in need. Must be smart ,compassionate and willing to “crack” a smile with diverse customer base of heavy, really heavy, obese and SUPER obese. Full service food truck stops frequently and services many. Are you ready for the challenge? PLEASE no self righteous super healthy people wanted. If we catch you soliciting our customers you will be dealt with! Flat stomach is plus patience is a must! What? The ad was cryptic and bare. I gave YOU all the details!! Don’t play shocked with me!

Gumball Machine Locators Wanted Immediately

No job is too slutty or too sweet apparently. 25 bucks an hour will buy plenty of  Popov, Parliament’s and the best damn spandex Oakland, Michigan has to offer. “Hey there don’t cha know!”  The way this economy is going YOU need to try whatever it takes that your nanna wouldn’t be ashamed to tell people at church about. Baby mamma/Kevin Federline status is so 2000 and late. Get your gumball on!  Although, why do I imagine only really skinny men, or really big people doing this job? Yeti sasquatch game, looking like a grizzly bear searching for honey, I know I am not right in the head. But, I am okay with that! All together job seekers…”A check is a check!”

Lingerie Model & Possible Receptionist Wanted

Praise Tyra! This ad is almost as bad as watching the first or second season of Top Model. Even Tyrannosaurus Banks sucked back then. Damn, what a bigger budget can do. What does a receptionist that makes 50 dollar an hour do behind the desk in lingerie? No, I am not kidding. I am printing up a few of MY comp cards to send over right now! What was Wesley Snipes’ name in To Wong Foo! I’ll hit those pumps like like Jose Conseco and those steroids, daily! You think I am kidding? I’ve watched Miss Jay for 11 seasons and I am ready to fly! You think they’ll give me Sundays off for church? I’ll definitely need Jesus after a 9 hour shift full of hedonism.

Straight From The UTA List

Holy Krabby Patties!   Who wants to be an assitant to a talent manager? Oh don’t you worry.  This job is going to be the job that gets you everything you ever dreamed of.  (Pssst… Michael Jackson’s hyberbaric chamber will be on Craigslist before the end of the long weekend.) Cause you’re gonna need whatever magic you can find to keep yourself looking young and feeling rested for THIS kind of fine opportunity. 

Assistant to Talent Manager at boutique (aka a small shit company with no real clients) management company in Beverly Hills. Starts mid-September, $500/week, non-negotiable. 9a-7p, Mon-Fri with one hour lunch.  Hmm…45 hours a week for 500 bucks is 11 dollars an hour. After tax you’re living the dream for 9 bucks an hour.  Pea….nut..Peanut butter and jelly is what you’re gonna be eating for lunch.   How many people’s jobs do you think you’ll be doing?  Let’s count….receptionist, IT person, video editor, reader, development assistant, driver,  marketing guru, and admin. Don’t forget you can’t smoke. You’ll have to start drinking at your desk early to handle all the office non-sense!

Marketing Assistant

Morning folks!  The Grim Reaper has been working overtime on the celebrity front this year.  He may get some triple overtime for the last half of this year the way these job posts keep coming through.  The Internet has yet to fail to me. Employers are beginning to act like banks with that TARP money, a damn fool. There is always a seemingly infinite supply of  employers with outrageous demands and limited budgets, especially when it comes to wages. Today’s tight fist is Phil.  Phil wants you to be a marketing guru. He’s using  buzz words like;  “opportunity for growth” “search engine optimization” “creative marketing”. Phil bro, you forgot “must be good with social media” “Twitter, Facebook, & MySpace genius’ wanted”. What he didn’t forget to tell you is that this gig only pays $8.00 an hour and that if that’s not enough for YOU move on.  This is a damn internship! So much for company Happy Hour’s.  Who wants to get Phil some of those really special job candidates ? Welfare to work bulletin board we’ve got a new job post for you!  Oh, you don’t think I would?

Internet Mogul Seeks Personal Assistant

Do you ever wonder if the person who wrote a job ad was drunk or just plain damn crazy? Lean in job seekers, this one screams, “Type A boss you might have to open up a can of whoop ass on.”

Exhibit A - “to work alongside of /answer directly to the owner of an established Internet company.” Who uses the term “answer to” other than a crazy person?

Exhibit B- “Must know the difference of what is expected out of an hourly employee vs. a salary employee.” That terrific line means, I don’t wanna and I am not gonna pay you overtime.  Damn, I am good!

Why do I get images of a fist full of pain pills and vodka martini’s all day?  And for someone seeking a doormat perfection, I am sad to see a CL post riddled with so many spelling errors. Blame it on the….aaaaalcohol baby!  Job seeker your position would appear to be housekeeper, house manager, administrative assistant, marketing assistant, business development, dog trainer and shoulder to cry on. Expect shitty pay!  I know.  “How do I know that?”  Anyone who isn’t straight forward about the salary is ready to low ball you. That or they’re gonna pull one of those “It’s a privilege and an honor to be working for me…” I can’t pay the Department of Water and Power with privelege!

You can bet your